Live-Blog Post: The Return of the King

It's time for the last stage of my quest! The final film, and by far the longest, The Return of the King. Fun Fact: This is the only film I saw for the first time in theaters. I actually saw it multiple times in IMAX with different groups of friends. Its my favorite of the three and I think its the best as a film.

Here we go!

"...for never was a story of more woe, than that of Smeagol and Deagol." I'm pretty sure that's how it goes, right?

Kudos to the make-up team for the transformation from Smeagol into Gollum in these scenes. Very well done!

 I agree with Sam in this scene. I could also use some Lembas bread. Yum!

Speaking of food, I'd be pissed too if I were Gimli and I found Merry and Pippin feasting. Give the dwarf some food!

What is it about Isengard that allows Theoden to be heard from the ground all the way to the top of the tower? Also, Saruman is still a dick in case anyone is wondering.

Didn't Gandalf already warn you about that palantir, Saruman? So cocky now, so dead in the next scene!

On a side note, Gandalf can just break Saruman's staff now? Kick ass!

LOVE this shot of Eowyn standing atop the hill at Edoras. Rohan is some beautiful countryside.

Casual Eomer is even better looking than armored Eomer.

Note to Self: Never challenge an elf to a drinking contest.

Another conversation between Gollum and Gollum. Probably a good time to go to the bathroom if you need. These are my least favorite scenes (if you couldn't already tell).

Legolas never actually sleeps in these films. Why? Because bad ass.

Oh, Pippin! Must you make shitty decisions?

"Run, Shadowfax, and show us the meaning of haste!" Well, said, Gandalf.

Coming up on another of my favorite scenes, Arwen's vision in the forest.

I want to raid Arwen's closet. Love the costumes! If I were going to cosplay, it would be as an elf of some sort.

Gah! Pippin shut up! Don't talk to that asshat Denethor! You are making things worse. Ugh.

Aww. Leave it to Sam to bring Frodo back to the positive. Samwise the Eternal Optimist.

FYI: Minas Morgul is not a great vacation spot.

First black actor I've spotted in the entire trilogy thus far was an extra in Osgiliath. He's one of Faramir's men.

The beacons are lit! Gondor calls for aid!

Love it!! Rohan will answer!

If I remember correctly, it actually took Rohan several months to get the Minas Tirith in the books. Good thing this is a movie!!

Gonna have to pause here for a while to go cook dinner. My husband is playing helpless right now and can't manage to cook it on his own. Back soon! STAY TUNED!!

Okay...Return of the Blogger! I'm back, hubs is cooking and I'm just in time for Galdalf to go all spotlight on the Nazgul.

Denethor: Father of the Year, Third Age 3018. What a douchebag!

 Did I mention Faramir is my favorite? *sigh* He's so dreamy...

Spoiler alert! Frodo and Sam are about to break up. Frodo's totally going to give Sam the "It's not me, its you." speech.

Poor Faramir! Can't imagine how I'd feel if I knew I was riding to my death but I couldn't do anything about it. Sucks.

 Elrond finally became the cool dad.

Now its time for Eowyn's awkwardly rebuffed profession of love for Aragorn. Cringe. I feel bad for her but, yay, for Arwen!

Aragorn, Badass extraordinaire, hunting down cursed armies. Because that's what BAMF do. Werk!

Oooooh!! We're almost at the scene where Denethor realizes he's fucked. Sweet! But, first, Aragorn and company get felt up by ghost hands in the caves.  Fun times!

Ghost army realizes Aragorn is a BAMF and wisely agrees to follow him. Smart ghosts.

Lone Survivor: Faramir Edition. Poor dude. He's pretty fucked up.

Everyone else is so over Denethor that they don't even flinch when Galdalf knocks him the fuck out.

Almost time to pause to change the disc!

I have returned after a longer than expected break to switch discs and make sure by husband had not made a disaster of the kitchen.

I returned in time to see Aragorn and company kick mercenary ass on the corsair ships.

Shelob is a scary beeyatch! Run Frodo! Run!

Frodo finally sends Gollum packing. Too bad he has a giant spider following him.

Uh oh!

Then the soldiers be like, "Cave trolls?....NOPE!"

Frodo, no!!!! 18 year old me saw this in the theater for the first time without having read the books so I was heartbroken when Frodo became spider food. Lucky for him, Samwise to the rescue!

Gandalf needs to go save Faramir but he's gotta deal with this chump Nazgul first. Ugh. Fucking Nazgul.

Theoden can give a damn good pre-battle speech! Damn good.

Theoden got me like...

 Denethor is about to take a fiery flying cliff dive. Finally! Ugh. He's the worst!

Eowyn is kicking ass on horseback, just so you know. Because beast mode!

Another lovely short scene with Gandalf and Pippin. I kinda like the idea of the far green country beyond the white shores.

Eowyn ain't goin' out like that, son! You're about to get stabbed in the face!!!

BTW, its about damn time Aragorn showed up again.

Legolas is going all Legolas on this oliphant. He's so fucking awesome!

And then Gimli has to keep him humble...

Not gonna lie, I TOTALLY cried like a baby when Theoden dies. "I go to my fathers, in whose mighty company, I shall not now feel ashamed." GAH! Tears for days....

That scene when Eomer finds Eowyn on the battlefield guts me every. time.

Faramir and Eowyn. Sparks fly in the rooms of healing!

Awww. A Merry and Pippin reunion!!

Would it really be a proper quest without the sidekick charging in to save the hero from certain doom? Of course not! Cue Sam in the tower of Cirith Ungol...

The reality is setting in for Sam and Frodo. They might not make it back to the Shire. Where are those damn giant eagles when you need them?

This guy must spend a fortune at the dentist...

Aragorn giving the best battle speak of all time.

You know things are looking up when the flute and piccolo music starts up again.

Aaaaannd Gollum has to show up right at the end to fuck shit up. Again.

You're going down, Gollum! Literally. Down. See ya!

So long, Sauron! Ring destroyed! All thanks to the Sam/Frodo bromance!

Don't get too hasty, Master Baggins! You're not quite at the end of all things yet!

Surprise! Gandalf is alive and so are all of your friends!! You are very lucky George R.R. Martin wasn't writing this story.

Now come the days of the King! How handsome is Aragorn in a that crown?!?!

Arwen! Lovely Arwen is reunited with her love! Elrond is happy now that Aragorn is king. At least he knows his daughter isn't with some random bum!

Gone 13 months, save the world, and the Gaffer is still all scowly! What exactly would the Hobbits have had to do to impress the guy?

On a side note, Rosie Cotton is super cute. Sam definitely married up.

Married Sam>Single Sam

Bilbo got hella old without the ring. Also, apparently developed dementia. He doesn't remember that his ring was evil.

I still can't believe Frodo left. I absolutely bawled like a baby the first few times I watched this scene. OMG. I'm scarred for life!

Slightly cheered up in the end by Sam's cute cute cute real life kids playing his Hobbit babies!

The End

Thank you for following along on this journey! I have enjoyed live-blogging this adventure more than I imagined I would. Until next time!!!

Live-Blog Post: The Two Towers

Here we go!! Cue the intro music...

Aaaarghh. Flashback to Gandalf's pseudo-demise!!

Balrog: "Watch me WHIP!"

Um. *side eye* Sam's knot tying skills.

Gollum got that crazy drugged out meth head strength. Has to be that, he has NO muscles.

Also, he's a crazy drama queen.

"It burns us!!"

 Merry and Pippin: Bros before Uruk-hai.

HAHA! Poor Gimli. With legs half as short, he probably feels like he's running twice as far.

Major props to the set makers and model makers in these films. Great, great work!

I need to talk to a goblin biologist. How is it exactly that Uruk-hai are incubated and grown in the mud? This is a process that must be studied.

Theodred's deathbed scene is made extra sexy by blonde Karl Urban, er, Eomer.

Serving Horse-Lord realness!

Grima Wormtongue is the ultimate creeper. Ewww. Gross.

Fear not, Merry and Pippin! The Rohirrim are here to save the day! Maybe...

Once again, Gimli's smart-ass mouth almost gets him killed. 

Gimli probably wanted to kiss Eomer for giving them horses. His ass was NOT wanting to run anymore.

I cannot even imagine the stench of a pile of burning Uruk-hai carcasses. UGH.

Fun fact: Viggo Mortensen actually broke his toe when he kicked that helmet. His scream of pain is 100% real in that shot.

How is it possible that the Ents have never heard of Hobbits?

Also, why has Gandalf just been hanging around in a forest? #thingsiwillneverunderstand

OMG. Really, Gollum? Again with the drama? Ugh. I agree with Sam. Just kill the little bastard.

Ewww. Dead bodies in the marsh is one of the creepiest visuals.

The Return of the Nazgul: Flying Abomination Edition.

Gandalf the White! Comes back at the turn of the tide. Yes!

Shadowfax, the Lord of all horses, and a Mearas. Gandalf is basically riding in the horse equivalent of a Bentley. Straight up ballin'.

Sauron needs a decorator. Black gate are SO second age of Middle Earth!

Merry and Pippin drink the magic water. This is a good time for a bathroom break! BRB.

 I have returned just in time for Eowyn to start ogling the foxy Aragorn.

 Heartbreaking to be Theoden and to come out of being spellbound to discover your son died while you were being magicked!

This scene between Gandalf and Theoden at the tomb guts me every time. Ugh. So sad.

 Aragorn cleans up damn well. Rawr.

Eowyn is already falling for Aragorn the Horse Whisperer. I don't blame her...

*sploosh*

Frodo gives Gollum too much credit, Sam gives too little credit. Then, fighting like an old married couple. Ah, true friendship!

Gollum's conversations with himself are kind of blah, IMO. Could skip or take bathroom break during those.

Note to self: The way to a Hobbit's heart is through giving him a pair of dead rabbits.

Faramir the Smexy makes his first appearance!! Ahhh! I love him! He's my favorite, although in the films he's arguably not as badass as he is in the books.

We now pause to switch discs....stay tuned.

We're back and on the trail with smitten Eowyn and Aragorn the Old. Aragron is the best looking 87 year old in the history of ever. Ha!

Arwen and Aragorn sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.... Back off, Eowyn! He's spoken for...technically. :-)

Another glimpse of Elrond in overbearing-dad mode...aaaanddd Aragorn has to go and break Arwen's heart.

WARG ATTACK!!!! Ahhh! Run!

Aragorn goes cliff diving. Hearts broke across the globe! *tweenage girls scream* Noooooo!

Helms Deep fortress HAS to have a flaw. I mean, come on! Plot device!

Elrond has to be all doom and gloom with Arwen. Ugh. Such a dad.

I want Arwen's cloak from this scene. I would wear it everywhere, even in the summer. LOVE it!

Faramir is such a better man than Boromir. Tortured, moody, but better.

I love this extended scene with Boromir and Faramir together though. There was definitely love between them. It sheds a lot of light on both characters. Should have been in the theatrical release.

Denethor is probably the biggest dick in this whole trilogy, including Sauron. Haaate him!

The Forbidden Pool sounds like a terrible porn film name but obviously has good selection of fish. HA!

Look for the sequel The Forbidden Pool: Smeagol Betrayed.

We're almost at my favorite part!!!!

BAMF.

Suit up. Shit is about to get real in Helm's Deep.

Theoden hatin' on Aragorn's plea for help from Gondor and the elves. Big mistake!

Merry and Pippin still chillin' with the Ents. Almost forgot about them since the filmmakers ind of left them hanging there for a while.

Eowyn wants glory. Understandable. I get it.

Let me sum up this next scene:
Legolas: We're all going to die! Blah, blah, blah.
Aragorn: Boy, stop playing. We all gotta die sometime. Suck it up.
-fin-

Theoden's little speech here is one of my favorite. "How did it come to this?"

Merry and Pippin are about to learn the first rule of Ent Club: You only talk about Ent Club veeeeeerrrrrrryyyy ssssllllloooooowwwwlllyyyy.

Legolas with the mea culpa. Smart elf. Just in time for the arrival of the elves!

The Battle of Helms Deep is about to begin.

Interesting how its pouring down rain everywhere except over the principal cast members.

BOOOOOM goes Helms Deep!

Legolas displays his incredibly useful physics-defying fighting skills. Riding the shield down the stone stairs while firing arrows at bad guys. Talk about badass! Woot!

10/10 to Aragorn for Dwarf tossing!

Oooooh! The Ent is angry. You won't like the Ent when he's angry!

Faramir learns the ugly truth. His brother Boromir was corrupted by the ring. Sad.

 FINALLY!!! Theoden grew some balls! Sound the horn Gimli!

Here come the Rohirrim, led by Eomer the Sexy.

WE ARE THE ENTS AND WE'RE HERE TO FUCK YOUR SHIT UP, SARUMAN!

Frodo is having a meltdown. Sam is about to make a speech about fate or hope or something like that...

Faramir finally wised up and agrees to let the Hobbits go. Good choice See, I told you he was a better man than Boromir.

Merry and Pippin are about to go hard on those two barrels of longbottom leaf.

Frodo and Sam are about to get the eff out of Osgiliath. Go!

"The battle for Helms Deep is over. The battle for Middle Earth is about to begin."

Almost time to move on to the final film, but not before Frodo professes his undying love for Sam and another pointless bit of Gollum arguing with himself. :-)

I'll return after a brief intermission! Stay tuned!

Live-Blog Post: The Fellowship of the Ring

Here we go, folks! DVD loaded, time to press play! Follow along below and refresh your page every few minutes for live updates.


That intro music though... :-) Exciting!

Not gonna lie, Elrond was pretty badass fighting on the slopes of Mt. Doom.

"The hearts of men are easily corrupted." Preach it, Galadriel.

Bilbo Baggins, burglar extraordinaire!

Map close-up! In case anyone needs a reference, here it is.

I for one, think living in a Hobbit hole would be pretty sweet! I fear I'm a bit too tall, however.

Our first introduction to Frodo, played by never-aging actor Elijah Wood.

Gandalf the Trouble-Maker! A "disturber of the peace" for good reason.

I absolutely LOVE the musical score of these films! Howard Shore FTW!

Nice foreshadowing with Gandalf blowing the smoke ring ship, sailing off into the mist.

Merry and Pippin, those rascals! Pretty epic dragon firework though... :-)

Bilbo did a very good job of sounding drunk during his birthday speech.

I think Gandalf just used the equivalent of his "teacher voice" on Bilbo. Leave the ring, Bilbo! Leaaavvveee it!!!

Ummm....okay. Sure. Just drop the ring on the floor and walk out. Jerk.

Contemplative Gandalf is one of my favorite Gandalfs! All broody and staring into the fire...

And Gandalf leaves on his research mission... In the book, he's gone for 19 years before he actually discovers the origin of the ring. Luckily for us, we are a movie timeline and those 19 years pass in about 2.5 minutes.

It's good to know that drunkenly dancing on tables is a cultural tradition shared by Hobbits and humans alike. Merry and Pippin seem to particularly enjoy it.

I would have told Gandalf he was trippin' if he asked me to hold out my hand and take a ring fresh out of the fire.  Straight trippin'.

Gollum snitched on you Bilbo. Snitches get stitches! Now, Sauron is coming for you, homie!

"I ain't been droppin' no eaves, mister, honest!" Samwise the smart-ass.

The Shire is lovely, lovely countryside.

I'm about 50 minutes into this movie and my dog has barked at the screen no less than 8 times. I am about to kick my Samwise to the curb if she doesn't stop making a ruckus.

Saruman is a dick. What a tool!

I can't take it anymore... BATHROOM BREAK!!!

Crisis averted! My bladder is empty and the ring wraith somehow inexplicably didn't realize he was within inches of 4 Hobbits and one ring of power. If I were Sauron, I'd fire fire the guy ASAP. Very poor detective work!

Buckleberry Ferry FTW!

Why is it always raining in Bree? In the Hobbit films, they also show Bree when its raining. It Bree like the Seattle of Middle Earth? What is their yearly total rainfall, 1413934 inches?

The Prancing Pony looks like the Middle Earth equivalent of a shady pool hall/biker bar.

Who wears a hooded cloak indoors in a dimly lit inn? Strider the Badass. That's who.

You got some 'splainin to do, Frodo! Why, oh why, did you put on the ring!

I'm not gonna lie, I don't think I'd mind getting tossed around by Strider. Ohh, la la!

The scene where the Ring Wraiths storm into Bree is one of my favorite sequences in this film.

The process by which men turn into Nazgul sounds eerily similar to the way men become politicians in this country. Just sayin'.

Second breakfast is a concept I could get behind!

Oh no! Leave it to Hobbits to let their stomachs get them into trouble. Here come the Nazgul!

Note to Self: Avoid morgul blades at all cost. They are bad bad news.

Lady Arwen to the rescue!

These films have beautiful horses.

The raging river of water horses that sweep away the Nazgul is probably the most badass thing Arwen does in the whole trilogy.

Frodo wakes up in the House of Elrond on October 24th. Frodo and Sam leave the shire on September 22. So it has taken them almost a month to get to Rivendell.

Flashback to Galdalf's amazing Eagle rescue! Kick ass!

Hugo Weaving also ages at a slower rate than seems humanly possible. Perhaps he is actually part elf in real life.

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!!! Oh...no...wait...  It's just dwarves, men, and elves.

On a side note, Legolas is my homeboy.

Boromir can be such a dick.

Awww... Arwen and Aragorn cut scene! So sweet!

Arwen bound herself to Aragorn? I do not blame her. I'd bind myself to him too if I were Arwen. Aragorn is pretty hot. And scruffy. He's scruffy-hot.

THE COUNCIL OF ELROND!!! Shit is about to get real REAL!

Breaking news: My husband is making me some popcorn. This is excellent news! He's the Aragorn to my Arwen :-)

Speaking the tongue of Mordor in Rivendell?!?! Gandalf doesn't ask your pardon, son!  Take a seat, Elrond!

Boromir is super good at moody pouting. Or, at least, super experienced.

It's sooooo Gimli to just try to smash the ring with an axe. So headstrong. So Son of Gloin.

Legolas gets it. Why is he the only one who gets it?!?! Tell 'em Legolas! The ring MUST be destroyed!

Aaaaannnd Frodo is the only one with balls apparently.

Merry and Pippin! Just like Hobbits to impulsively agree to a suicidal mission without knowing exactly where they're going.

We now pause to switch to the next disc!! This would also be a good time for bathroom/snack break.

Annnnd...we're back!

Elrond is SUCH a dad. All he needs is a shotgun and a redneck accent. "Leave my daughter alone, ya bum!"

LOL @ Frodo asking Galdalf for directions straight outta the gate! Ha!

Behold, the evil crows of DOOM!!! Crebain from Dunland!! Those nasty bastards!

Frodo decides its best to go through the Mines of Moria. So basically, it was a decision between certain death, possible death, and maybe kinda sorta death.

"Speak friend and enter." But no one knows the password to enter the mines. Um. How does this happen? Could you try turning it off and on again?

Frodo saves the day by realizing its a riddle. How did no one else know it was a riddle? I mean, not even Gandalf figured that out! Gandalf!

Of course none of that matters after they're all nearly eaten by the lake monster.

You know you're in trouble when your navigator has "no memory of this place" and you're trapped in a mine.

Time for a short morality lesson. ie, Why the eff didn't Bilbo just kill Gollum years ago?

A recreation of the look on my face the first time I saw the realm of the Dwarves. --> O_O

*Cartman voice* Goddammit, Pippin! ...Fool of a Took! Now they're all screwed!

Oh, SNAP!! They have a cave troll! Bitches be cray!

How I imagine my mom looked trying to get me out of bed in the mornings as a teenagers....

Frodo is alive!!! DAT MITHRIL.

Orcs: The cockroaches of Middle Earth. Ugh. So creepy. So...everywhere.

Balrog? More like Balrunforyourlivesmorons. GTFO.

YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!

"Fly you fools!" Listen to the man, Frodo! Run like the wind!

Awwwww. Mourning all around. I actually did cry during this part the first time I watched.

Poor Aragorn has to be the hard-ass who pushes everyone to keep running.

This is the part where I really start to like Gimli. Letting his mouth get the best of him.

The elves have the best costumes in this entire trilogy BY FAR. I want to be an elf.

Galadriel is nice to Gimli. This is the point when Legolas starts to think Gimli might not be so bad after all.

This part in the books, where the fellowship spends time with the elves lamenting Gandalf, is incredibly written. Not quite as moving in the films, but still nicely done.

So, the Shire will basically burn and everyone will die if you fail Frodo. No pressure. 

 Scary Galadriel is scary.

"Even the smallest person can change the course of the future." Right on, Galadriel. Right on.

So the Uruk-hai are supposed to go out and "taste manflesh"? Simmer down, Saruman, you're making things awkward.

Galadriel's gifts:
Legolas: a bow
Merry and Pippin: daggers
Sam: Elven rope
Frodo: Light of  Elendil
Gimli: 3 hairs from Galdriel's head.Very cool.

I've always wanted to travel long distance by canoe. I'd rather not have a horde of Uruk-hai following me while I do it though. Just sayin'.

Boromir is once again pouty after fighting with Aragorn.

My favorite shot in the entire trilogy, the Gate of Argonath!

Damn it, Frodo! You should know better than to wander off. You might get accosted by people you trust, like Boromir!

Let this be a lesson, Frodo. Never trust a Sean Bean. He'll always let you down!

Elves fight so elegantly. Dwarves are all like "I'll smash yer skull with me axe!" and the men are sort of in between.

Boromir has arrows sticking out of him and he's STILL swinging a sword!! BAMF.

Boromir is a misguided jerk, but I did tear up during this scene when he dies. I'm glad Aragorn makes up with him before the end.

"I would have followed you my brother, my captain, my king." ~the last words of Boromir, Son of Denethor. RIP.

Samsise Gamgee, promise keeper.

Legolas, the incredulous.

The Fellowship is broken, and so ends the first film...

Time for a potty break for myself and my own Samwise companion, a snack, a drink refill, and  then...onto the Two Towers!