As long as I can remember I’ve wanted to be a writer. I
mean, I have been writing all this
time but certainly nothing on the scale of a novel or even a complete short
story. I’ve actually never completed any writing project I’ve started. I could
point to a lot of reasons why that might be the case but if I had to pinpoint
one single thing that’s holding me back I would say that its fear.
It’s not fear of the actual act of putting words on paper. I
can do that. Even as a high school student I always found time to write stories
on loose-leaf paper in between classes, or in classes. I’ve spent countless
hours over the years writing and rewriting various projects. When I get
serious, I don’t seem to have any trouble sitting down and letting the words
flow.
The problem is that I tend not to get serious about writing
most of the time. I’ve only recently started to consider why that may be. It’s
not that I lack ideas. It’s not that I lack time to write. It’s not even that I
don’t have a desire to be creative. Because I have all those things.
Ultimately, the biggest thing that’s holding me back from
diving headlong into a writing life is fear of not being good enough. I’m
afraid that my ideas, my words, my creative talents, my voice are all not quite
good enough. It makes me physically ill to think of anyone reading anything I’ve
written. I write stories I love but somewhere before I reach the end, I just…give
up.
All because I am afraid that it all sucks and nothing is
good and I’m dumb and it won’t matter anyway so why bother.
I was cursed as an adolescent with a pretty low self-worth.
Growing up, it was always easier to put myself down than to recognize my inner
strengths. That bad habit followed me into adulthood. It’s only been within the
past year that I’ve discovered the power in allowing myself to feel worthy.
Lately, I’ve reevaluated my dream to be a writer. The desire
is still there, burning bright as ever, but instead of starving my desire I’ve
decided to start feeding it. That means I’m choking off the fear and telling it
to go to hell. So, I’m going to start a year-long effort to write EVERY day. My
goal is at least 200 words each day, with no restrictions on whether it’s a fiction
story, blog post, etc. Along the way I’m going to hone my skills through practice
and improve my knowledge of craft.
I’m not sure where the journey will take me in the end but if
I never start I know exactly where I’ll stay…standing still. Standing still isn’t
good enough for me anymore.
